I am the husband of the most wonderful woman in the world. We have been trying to have children for more than a year.

We do not know why we haven’t been able to conceive. My wife has plans to see a doctor soon. If necessary, I may do the same shortly thereafter.

We are aware that ours is not a particularly unique struggle. It may even be cliché. We’re okay with that, but we have generally carried our grief privately. We continue to do so. I will be writing this blog anonymously. For the time being, I have not even shared it with my wife.

I am a believing Christian and a Mormon. My faith has been a strength to me during this time. It has also compounded, deepened and focused my pain in ways that are not entirely healthy, though at this point that is not the intended focus of this blog.

Not knowing why we haven’t been able to conceive, my wife has frequently fallen into a pattern of blaming herself and wondering at what health problems she has. She has expressed this to me in a variety of ways ranging from the desperate (“what’s wrong with me?”) to the theoretical (“maybe I got the same genes as x-extended-family-member”) to the curious (“I wonder when I’ll get pregnant”).

Because I know it would upset her to hear me blame myself as much as it upsets me to hear her blame herself, I keep most of my self-questioning and self-doubting to myself. What if I just don’t have a high enough sperm count? If I were a more masculine individual (you know, the kind of man who plays basketball instead of writing an infertility blog), would my wife be pregnant? Are we not having enough sex because I’m not attractive enough to my wife? Are we having enough sex? How much sex is the right amount of sex? Can we do other things while we’re at home together? Like, can we eat dinner and watch a movie? Or am I supposed to be boning down on her right now?

Again, my wife and I do not know why we haven’t been able to have a child yet. At this point, I am only assuming it’s “my fault” to the same degree that she is. But no matter what we find out, I know that we will share in that pain as much as we have shared in the pain to this point. We will suffer privately and we will suffer together.

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